Misadventure of Apek and Ali

Two old friends - Apek and Ali were having a conversation recently ....

Apek: Lu potong zaka ada bagut ka?

Ali: Manyak bagus. Bila lu potong haa, lu punya barang manyak bersih loo...

Apek: ?!! err ... saya kawan ala cakap, potong zaka aaahh.... manyak ploblem..

Ali: Apa problem?

Apek: Manyak buang lui, lagi aahh ... dia punya performance tadak bagut... manyak cinang semputloh ...

Ali: Cehh... apek, lu apa cerita... saya suda lama potong. tada apa problem... bini saya manyak puas woo...

Apek: Lu mini puas sama itu potong zaka ka?

Ali: Ya laa. Bila lu potong aahh... lagi sedap main woo.. lu lagi lambat pancut..

Apek: ???!!! err... lu punya 1.3 atau 1.5??

Ali: ??!! woi apek cakap baik2 sikit ha ... saya punya 6 inci laa..

Apek: ??! Tiu nia ma... lu jangan main2 haa... mana ada potong zaka 6 inci..

Ali: Cilaka apek ni...nah tengok (opens his trousers)

Apek: Chee sin punya olang.....gua tanya baik2 ... lu tunjuk lu punya lanchiau..

Ali: Abis... lu tada percaya..saya tunjuk la..

Apek: Saya tadak tanya sama lu punya lanchiau... Saya tanya lu pasal itu nasional car... potong zaka.. bolo punya olang..

Ali: Aiya... apek... lain kali lu sebut betul2 la....kasi susa saja..

Bukan potong zaka la..... proton saga........

New insertion for 2009 Oxford Dictionary

There are possible plans underway to apply to the Oxford and Webster to include a new word for their 2009 dictionary:

badawi [baa-daa-wee] (Transitive verb/Noun/Adjective): To start something full of promise but end in disappointment, failure and/or disaster.

Eg:

'I'm trusting you to perform this task well; don't do a badawi, ok?'

'Whatever I do, I will always find a way to badawise it.'

France badawied their Euro 2008 campaign. England pre-badawied theirs, while Italy were guilty of over-badawification.

Malaysian English vs British English

Who says our English is teruk. Ours is simple,short,concise, straight-to-point and very effective.

etc. The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it economically when communicating their intentions. Compare these phrases that Malaysians and Britons use to say the same thing: So, why make things so confusing and waste of money when you are and a long distance call.

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.

Malaysians: No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?

Malaysians: Hallo, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?

Malaysians: S-kew me

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.

Malaysians:No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?

Malaysians: (pointing the door) can ar?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.

Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.

Malaysians: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.

Malaysians: Doe-waaaan!

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.

Malaysians: You mad, ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.

Malaysians: Shaddap lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?

Malaysians: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.

Malaysians: Die-lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?

Malaysians: Wat happen Why lidat????ADUI!!! (jumping to conclusion)

WHEN SOME ONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it here let me show you.

Malaysians:Hoi!!!u pig ar lidat also doe no how to do!!!!

WHEN SOMEONE PISS YOU OFF
Britons: That's a terrible thing you did...I am very disappointed with you

Malaysians: CHI-BAI!!

Samy Vellu Famous Quotes

FM: A friend of mine emailed me this funny collection of quotes by Datuk Sri Samy Vellu. Not really sure whether he actually said them or merely jokes circulating in cybespace. Damn funny...

1) On Pos Laju

“BESOK KIRIM, HARI INI SAMPAI”

2) The one on TV when in trying to say he was ashamed,
he said:`Kemaluan saya besar` (kemaluan means your private parts, lah! )

3) On drugs, “Jangan hisap dada” (dada means breasts)

4) SV said in a ceramah “Kita akan bina satu
jambatan untuk orong-orong kampong disini”, one pakcik
asked, “Datuk, sini takde sungai,buat apa bina
jambatan?” and SV glorious replied,”Kalau takde
sungai, kita bina sungai!”

5) SV’s favorite quote on national television “Toll
naik sikit, manyak marah saya. You ingat semua ini
toll saya punya bapa punya kah!”

6) During the water shortage crisis : “semua orang
diminta jgn membuang aiyerr..!” (membuang air means to wee-wee, what he wanted to say was membazir air)

7) During blood donation campaign in Sg Siput:
“..marilah kita semua menderma dara..” (dara = virgin)

8 ) During the opening speech of various function:
“…selamat datang saudara-mara semua..” (actually is
“saudara-saudari”)

9) At an opening ceremony: “mempersilakan Datin Paduka
Rafidah Aziz naik ke pentas utk membuka kain” (this one is famous already)

10)Commenting about his modesty: “sebenarnya, kemaluan
saya sangat-sangat besar”

And lastly u know why our N-S Highway concessionaire
is named PLUS.

PLUS = Pungut Lebih Untuk SB

Malaysian in space

BAIKONUR (Kazakhstan): At exactly 9.23pm (Malaysian time), the Soyuz -FG rocket launcher blasted off from the Baikonur Cosmodrome.

The rocket launcher, carrying the Soyuz TMA-II spacecraft with Malaysian cosmonaut Dr Sheikh Muszaphar Shukor and his crew members on board, lit up the clear night sky.

Witnesses to the event from the launch view, three kilometres away from the launch pad, felt the ground shake from the enormous thrust of the launcher.

VIPs and guests who witnessed the launch included Dr Sheikh Muszaphar’s proud parents Datuk Sheikh Mustapha Shukor and Datin Zuraida Sheikh Ahmad.

Dr Sheikh Muszaphar, Nasa’s commander Peggy Whitson - the first female International Space Station (ISS) commander - and Russian Yuri Malechencko comprise Expedition 16S, which will make a trip to the ISS and return on Oct 21.

Some two hours before the launch, all communication systems (telephone lines, mobile telephone lines and TV) were cut off in Baikonur to block the airwaves and ensure contact with the crew was not disrupted in any way. A blackout was also experienced as the power supply was drained by the launch.

During the launch, road and rail traffic were also halted as a safety measure.

The crews' big day began when they walked out of the Cosmonaut Hotel, which is not a guest hotel but actually a branch of the Gagarin Cosmonaut Training Centre where they were quarantined.

They boarded a bus that took them to the launch pad, seven hours prior to the launch. On the bus, they watched a 10-minute video of their friends and families wishing them bon voyage.

The bus stopped midway for a ritual that has been performed by cosmonauts since the time of Yuri Gagarin – the male crew urinated on the bus tyres.

At the launch pad, they made their “last walk”, which was the last chance for family members and people to see them from a distance at the Cosmodrome.

The three put on their custom-made Sukol space suit before they went through a formal military ceremony and shook hands with important guests, including the Prime Minister of Kazakhstan, Russian Federal Space Agency chief Perminov Anatoli Nikolaevich, Kazakh Space Agency chief Musabaev Talgat Amangeldievish and Malaysian Ambassador to Russia Datuk Mohamad Khalis Ali Hassan.

About four hours to the launch, the crew were hoisted to the capsule using an elevator. They were strapped to their seats and went through system checks.

Forty-five minutes to the launch, the rocket’s service gantry was removed, the flight programme loaded and the crews' space suits were checked for air tightness.

Unlike a shuttle launch, the Soyuz rocket launch has no countdown - blast off occurs when everything is in place and set to go.

The rocket’s four lateral boosters were started 29 seconds to launch. Then it was blast off, during which the gravity pull was 4G.

The rocket shot up at a speed of 800km per second to reach orbit in two minutes.

Two minutes into launch, the four lateral boosters were jettisoned, and the gravity pull was reduced to 1.5G.

When the core stage engine fired at full thrust, gravity force climbed to 3G.

Third-stage separation occurred at 8.48 seconds into launch, when the space capsule was fully separated.

It took about nine minutes for Soyuz to enter zero gravity, after which it will orbit the earth for two days before docking with the ISS, a process that will take two to three hours.

Prior to docking, the cosmonauts will be strapped to their seats the entire time.

Once in orbit, the mission will be taken over by the Mission Control Centre in Moscow.

Source: The Star Online

FM: Safe Journey...

On A Lighter Note...

Joke 1: Malaysian in Space : Selection Process

Dr. Mahathir was about to send the first Malaysian rocket into space.

3 potential astronauts were called for an interview - one Indian, one Malay and one Chinese.

Dr. M interviews the Indian first: "So, Muthu, this is a dangerous mission... how much do you think you should be paid for it?"

Muthu thinks to himself and says, "1 million ringgit."
"Why so much?" asks Dr. M.
"Nowadays toddy wery expensive, Datuk..." replies Muthu.
"I see," said Dr. M. "Thank you... please ask the Malay guy to come here."

So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question.
"Uh... 2 million boleh lah," replies the Malay applicant.
"2 million? That's a lot of money! Even the aneh before you only asked for one million!"
"You see, Datuk," explained Mat. "I have 4 wives and 15 children...so, 20 of us in the family, we need a lot of money to support ourselves..."
"I see," said Dr. M. "Okay, can you ask the Chinese guy to come up here now?"

The Chinese guy comes in and Dr. M asks, "Ah Chong, this is a dangerous mission... how much do you think you should be paid?"
Ah Chong thinks for a while, and suddenly says, "3 million."
Mahathir is shocked. "WHAT?!?! 3 million? Why so much?!"
Ah Chong beckons Dr. M to come closer, and whispers, "One million you keep, one million I keep, and then one more million to send the aneh into space."

Joke 2: The First Malaysian in Space

Mahathir finally sends a Malaysian into space courtesy of the Russians. Finally, after months of training, the Malaysian astronaut and a chimpanzee are blasted off into space.

Once in orbit, the Malaysian waits for instructions. The screen flickers and the instrucions are flashed on it:

"Chimpanzee, execute space manuever No. 23B"

The chimp takes over flight control and carries out the manuever. The Malaysian astronaut is impressed but patient... he knows his instructions will come and they'll probably be more complex than what the chimp just did.

The screen flickers again and more instructions appear:

"Chimpanzee, carry out scientific experiment No. 234"

The chimp goes to the lab and mixes chemicals and carries out all sorts of complex scientific experiments. While he's doing this, the Malaysian astronaut is impatient. He speaks to Ground Control tru the comm link: "Eh Control, how come I got nothing to do man... train for so long but the monyet does all the important work but I'm smarter than the monyet"

Finally Ground Control responds: "Be patient, your instructions are coming soon"

Finally, the monkey rejoins the Malaysian astronaut and they wait for the instructions from the screen.

THe screen flickers and the message appears....

"Prepare for new instructions...."

A small door under the screen opens. Inside, there is a compartment with a wrapped item inside.....

"Malaysian astronaut, remove the item and unwrap then wait for further instructions"

The Malaysian astronaut unwraps the item and finds a banana inside. "Must be biogenetic banana" he thinks...

The screen flickers again....

"Malaysian astronaut, please feed the monkey"

A boy and his train

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you b*astards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you b*astards who are getting on, get you're a*ss in the train ! cause we're going down the tracks."


The Mother walked into the room where her son was playing and said "we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."


Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."


As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p!ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat b!tch in the kitchen."

What is Marketing?

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich, I want to marry you."
That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback

Dear Ah Beng: Got this creepy guy want to give me $100,000

Dear Ah Beng,

Got this creepy guy hor, come and approach me when I was sitting at Burger King and say he would give me $100,000 if I go and kill his wife leh. I think it's not a very nice thing to do, but then, I donno his wife, and the money is si beh solid. How? Should I do it?

Teenager

Dear Teenager,

I never understand why people want to kill their wife. Si beh leceh one. If you not happy with your marriage is very simpur one. Just go Chow Kit and find some GRO in a KTV lounge, and everything is gau timm. But I agree, $100,000 is a lot of money.

I have a better suggestion. Why don't you go and tell his wife about it, then ask how much she wants for you to kill him? After all he sounds like an asshole. If he finds out, then up the price. And say if he doesn't pay, you'll tell the police. Simpur-simpur, and you don't have to kill anybody.

Ah Beng

Setarbak Kopi or Starbucks?

Name sounds familiar...

I guess StarBucks may have ripped off...Setarbak Kopi. Shame on you Starbucks, shame on you!

Ah Beng Toilet Visit

Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Ah Beng, one of his elderly patients.

He asks, "And how are you doing today, Ah Beng?"

Ah Beng replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pang jio,the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!"

The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lim, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..."

At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Ah Seng! Ah Pa pang jio in the fridge again!"

Ah Beng During The 2nd World War

During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad.

That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion.

The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng shouted, " Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng made his escape.

Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. " Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape.

Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea. "It's important to get the timing right."

Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept saying to himself. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..."

"Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself.

"Aim..."

"Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! "

Ah Beng in Public

1. Taking out more thigh space than usual.
2. When sitting down, one would open his legs like tua bek kong, resulting in less than normal leg room for others. In the end we look like virgins and they look like pros.
3. People rushing into an already packed train
   It is almost like a horror movie. The train is already fking full and just when u think that is the worse, another train arrive and the interchange. It doesn't help that he/she smells
4. When sitting, someone 'kiao ka' (cross his/her legs)
   and the sole keep rubbing on to your clothing. knn seriously no manners!
   
5. People using his HandPhone(HP) macham like remote control
   Esp for 'trend setters' or haolian kias, like to show off his/her phone. Keep moving the hp ard when messaging, macham its remote control cannot have signal. nb
6. Using HP ringtone like radio.
   Playing HP ringtone again and again and again and again. For mono ring tones you look just plain suaku so stop it!
7. Acting like surgeons.
   I sure u see, esp middle age ladies, that like to put a tissue or cover his/her mouth or/and nose with tissue paper. Macham we are the only one with germs. Worse is when there is no one coughing, sneezing, and the odour probably come from the 'surgeons' themselves.
   
8. People entering the train blocking the exit
   If you don't let me come out how are you going to go in? :confused: This is becoming a national issue. Happens very often in lifts as well!!!

6 Great Management Lessons for Malaysian Executives

Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,
"Who was that?" "
It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure


Lesson 2
A priest offered a woman a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The woman said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The woman once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at their destination, the woman sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up


Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Ah Beng and MyKad

The multi-purpose MyKad will be the version of our perpetually metamorphosing IC in the near future. With an embedded smart chip, it can also be used as a passport, store our medical history, driver's license, act as an ATM card, serve as an electronic purse and even be used at the National Library...what ever you do with the card...you will be tracked!

It may also be a tracking device via GPRS (Good or Bad, depending the situation). However, a recent debate has brought to light the questionable control on access, potential information abuse and privacy infringement.

As the debate rages on, I can foresee a likely scenario when ordering pizzas in the near future...

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut Chow Kit. May I have your..."

Customer: "Haloo, arh...can I orler huh..."

Operator : "Can I have your MyKad number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's arh..., hold on prease, arh..... WN013524-95-6543"

Operator : "OK... you're... Tan Ah Beng alias 'Or Kwee Tao' and you're calling from 17-D Lorong 14, Chow Kit. Your home number is 6782 8828, your office 6782 8838 and your mobile is 96828848. Which number are you calling from now Sir?

Customer: "Home lah! Wah Lan...How you get all my phone lumbers, arh?"

Operator : "We are connected to the 'MyKad' system Sir"

Customer: "OK lah, okay lah...Can I orler your Seafood Pisar..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "Why....Cannot arh?"

Operator : "According to your latest medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?...Wah Lan!....medical lecords also hab... you lecommend lah?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Dear Ah Beng: Do you have girl friend or not?

Dear Ah Beng,

Ok, this one is a short question. Ah Beng Kor Kor, do you have girl friend or not? If not, leave me SMS message OK? 97965818.

Dreaming of you,

Ah Lien Mei Mei

Dear Ah Lien Mei Mei,

I always say that girlfriends are like durian biji - you can't have only one. Also, girls who are proficient in communications technology are si beh appealing. (We Ah Bengs always like to call girls, lah!) Call you soon!

Ah Beng

Definition of GUTS and BALLS

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?"


BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

Datuk K's transferring money to his new bank account

FM received this SMS from a friend quite sometime ago. My Handphone SMS messages are getting too big and my SD memory card was left with less than a meg of space. While I was doing my SMS spring cleaning, I found this SMS joke:

Please take note.
Effective 28th August 2006, Datuk Khalid Jiwa or better known as Datuk K will transfer & deposit his mani into his new Sitibank account. Thank you.

Dear Ah Beng: I invest so much money in my daughter then wedding still got to pay

Dear Ah Beng,

You know ah, all my friends say, my daughter go out with ang mor very good, very high class. Then next time I can visit America and stay in their big house. The problem is, the ang mor say ah, wedding the girl's family must pay for everything you know.

Like that very loo gee for me you know. I invest so much money in my daughter then wedding still got to pay. How like that? You think I should let her marry the ang mor or not?

Jin Kiam Siap

Dear Kiam Siap,

Don't worry about the wedding. You must think long term. In America, they have this very good thing called the divorce settlement. After your daughter marries him, half of what he owns belongs to her. So you will get half of his big house, his car, and everything else.

So if he wants you to pay for the wedding, say can. Then you and daughter just need to wait a few years, then she can divorce him and you can collect money already. Repeat as many times as you need until you get enough for your retirement.
Good Luck!

Ah Beng

Ah Beng's letter to Ah Lian

Dear Ah Lian,


Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything?

For me, I am quiet find.

You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look? Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly. You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now. Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok. Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright.

Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family.

I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to you and to me. Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me.

I will ketchup with you soon. And when you got time, please few free to call me.

Goo bye.....

Worm regard,

Ah Beng

Ah Beng Secret Affair

"Hello?"

"Hi honey.


This is Daddy.


Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Ah Beng."

After a brief pause,Daddy says,"But honey,you haven't got an Uncle Ah Beng."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."


Brief Pause.


"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.


"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"


"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"


"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."



***Long Pause***




Then Daddy says,"What...swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"